TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A different put where American Adult men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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